so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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