This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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