she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
