I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
