ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
