The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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