We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
His nipple licking is glorious
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