Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Randomize
