I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
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Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
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Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize