I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
