yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
