I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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