how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
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I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
sex in a hospital.. check
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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