This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
