I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
