Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
