even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
