I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
