after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
