one two three fourrrrnication!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just gargled with NyQuil
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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