Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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