so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
