My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
