I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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