im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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