i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I lost the right to judge tonight
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
