i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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