Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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