I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The Olympian is in my bed
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
