Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
