Duck Duck Cougar?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
