So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
