Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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