I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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