I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
