I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
