had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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