youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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