She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
