this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
