Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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