I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
FUCK WHALES
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
