I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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