I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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