I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Your cock deserves a montage
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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