Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
