god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
why do cheetos always look like penises
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
