Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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