the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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