Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
