I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
