I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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