i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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