I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
