My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
