a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We have so much sex to catch up on
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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