Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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