i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
