i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
